Today, I went on my first hike in over 6 months since getting Lyme disease. While all too often it is temporary, I feel pretty well. Physically anyway.
I make the distinction because someone dear to me and I parted on not so happy terms yesterday. In particular, it would seem some kindnesses I offered were misconstrued for having ulterior motives. I can’t even be angry about the doubt. Many times have I been hurt and because of that I question other people’s motives all the time.
In reality, only I know that I acted out of compassion rather than selfishness or expectation. I check my motives before everything I do, lest I be a hypocrite, though we all end up being one at some time. Even more, when questioned, I search through every bit of my being to ensure that if spiritual weeds have appeared that I may remove them, destroy them. And I have been plumbing my soul since the moment of challenge.
What I have found through the years is that such secondary searches rarely bare fruit. Since becoming a Christian, my heart condemns any misguided actions quickly, and I find that I am unable to argue against it. Right now, my heart feels clear. Not even the slightest weed breaking the surface of the soil.
It is strange to say that I have a peace about it. But I do. Though only insomuch as I know that I did no wrong. Not that it matters. The person is gone. Not coming back. And that gives me no peace, nor does the thought that someone dear to me thought I acted in my own interest rather than theirs.