One more time with feeling

Until recently, I had distanced myself from my emotions, for many reasons. After the months of being ill, and finding no answers (but many doctors who were unhelpful to be kind), my emotions needed to be held at bay while trudging through the muck lest I get stuck in the middle of the drudgery. As of late, however, they have begun to lay siege to the walls I have built, overrun them, storm the bastion I had created. It had to happen in order that I let a princess into their safety.

That has marshaled my doom.

Along with protecting her, I have doomed myself, allowed a saboteur past the gate to subvert their protection. Now, rage and sorrow and fury claw and tear at the trim of my shield. Perhaps I have not solely doomed myself, though. She has taken sanctuary within my fortress, only to now find herself in the midst of the havoc.

Will she be safe if I fall? That is all that matters to me, and, in this regard, I will stand resolute, even if she has no care for my being. No, I cannot allow myself to die yet, to be consumed by the divisions of emotion that crash upon me.

I made a vow this morning. I will live. I did not ask myself what love would do for me, but what would I do for love. For love, I will live. For love, I will continue to suffer rather than embrace the peace that comes with death.

That suffering includes the emotions I try to stave off. For love, I will embrace the pain inherent to them, let my heart be troubled by my suffering, let my blood curdle with rage at the inability and foolishness of doctors, so that I can let my spirit be free to love her as deeply as I wish, as I need to love her.


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