Not a hero

I am finding myself quite unable to be strong as of late. It is a terribly hard situation for someone like myself. Fools like me try to be strong for everyone else in their lives, but with sickness and heartache sapping my strength, I haven’t been able to be strong for anyone.

Being strong for others seems to be a noble thing, and it is and I would not undo anything I have done for others, but it is a hard thing to accept when you need someone to be strong for you, after all the kindness and goodness you have given away, that you have no one to be strong for you. Mind it that I have never done that for the sake of reciprocity, but I guess I always believed that romantic, and perhaps foolish, ideal that the love and goodness we give away would return to us, at least in part. But in the end, people start to care about you only for what you give and not who you are. As soon as your strength is ceased, so is your usefulness, so are you.

And now, here, I find myself. I have given away all the strength I had. And I am broken and beaten and bound by weakness. The strength I need to contend with illness and pain is gone.

“Let us not grow weary in doing good,” and yet I have, Lord. I am so tired. So very tired.

For over half my life, I have contended with health issues, and it has grown hard to hold high my shoulders, to shoulder the burdens of others, and impossible to shoulder the burdens of my own. For just a moment, I want to feel well, to know what it is to not feel unwell. For just a moment… I wish someone loved me as I love them, to know that such things exist, that all my hopes are not based on illusion and fog.

My eyes flee to the skies and only here do I find respite. Only God gives me the strength and love I need to stand. Stay at my side and we will walk together…

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