In the notes

I have been listening to music a lot lately. Today, in particular, I have been listening to the songs I have listened to the most. And in their notes, and words, I am finding much of a depiction of my guiding principles. Well, perhaps not principles but values. What matters most to me.

Some don’t surprise me much. God and love are amongst those — then, I would say we have have those two. But there are some that surprise me, that I cannot disagree with, but could not and would not have articulated.

Strength, self-worth, and independence are the seeming outliers. And yet, there they are. I want to be strong. I want to live a life worthy of living. I want to be free to act as I wish, unbound by the strictures of society and culture.

The side of me that laughs at… well, everything, cannot help but enjoy the asinine war between my desire for the intimacy of love and my need for independence. Alone is simultaneously the greatest and worst state in which I can find myself. It would seem that there is no “safe” state of existence for me.

Self-worth may appear to be strange to be a desire at which to be surprised. I guess it is the sense that I need to do something of importance, something that matters, that is at its core. I can’t live a life of trading stocks and making business ventures. I can’t live a life of insurance sales and smart investments. Let hearts be my investments, books my ventures, and words my traded stocks.

Strong seems to be too… shall I say “primal” of a desire for me. But it makes sense. I have a serious case of White Knight syndrome. I want to protect everyone, to end suffering, to bring goodness to the wicked. And the weak cannot do that. Though, it is not physical strength alone that I desire — and would be necessary to accomplish such a feat —, but strength of heart and of character and of love and of mind. The strength to act. I don’t want or need to be strong for me.

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