All figured out

Hi. My name is Christian and I don’t have everything figured out. I feel like there should be a Don’t Know It All Anonymous. At least, that is how people make you feel when you admit you don’t have everything figured out.

That is always a strange thing to admit admittedly. American culture doesn’t like unsurety. Nor do I really.

I like to know everything I do and why I do it. I like to know everything I can about various topics that hook my thoughts and curiosity. I imagine all that seems rather obvious for anyone who knows me or has read my blog. My opinions are quite concrete and set, anchored to the ground of certainty.

But I have realized quite enough times that I am wrong to think that way. While my thoughts and feelings are certain now — and I know well why I stand where I stand — my mind is not immutable. In light of new evidence, I reserve the right to right my thoughts. Only fools cling to opinions as they sink beneath the waves, plummeting to the ocean depths with their beloved treasures, more valuing their pride than truth.

I don’t. Not anymore anyway. Never again.

If you would tell me I believe what I do now 10 years ago, I might actually have believed you, albeit begrudgingly. Despite the vast disparity between who I was and who I am, curiosity has always served me well. It is what drives me to know more about everything, drives me to never settle for what I see, for the barrens when there may yet be grasslands, grasslands when there may be fecund grounds.

I also know that I am not perfect. I have failed. I will fail. But that doesn’t stop me from moving forward. Ma foi, failure serves as propellant to rocket me toward perfection and perfect knowledge all the more.

My name is Christian and I will never figure everything out. There are few things I have figured out and fewer I will figure out. And I’m okay with that. Kind of.


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