Ordained

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” – Psalm 139:16

I thought this was a fitting scripture given that it is my birthday this week. I always get reflective, pensive, around my birthday. I can’t help but wonder what I have done with those days that were ordained for me before I existed.

Have I done enough to make my Father proud? Have I changed lives for His sake? Have I really mattered? Has my life been worth living? Is the world better for having me in it?

There are always the easy feel-good answers to these questions. But I need the truth. And while I would like to think that I have done something great with my life, I can’t help but wonder what more I can do.

I constantly find myself in a peculiar dichotomy of contentedness and dissatisfaction. I need to be more. I need to do more. I have been so much; I have done so much. And that must suffice for I can’t change the past, but also because it is simply enough. But there is more to be done.

In this befuddled hurricane, I stop. And I realize that what I need more than ever is to stop. In the silence and stillness, I find God nearby. I was reminded of this today as I stood in silence on my deck, as a breeze brushed my head. I could not help but think of Elijah: “Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” In the whisper…

I want to be so much. I want to fall in love. I want to have a family. I want to be a writer. I want to change the world. But those don’t matter. What would it all be worth without the whispers of God? As I stood on the deck today, I said to God, “I would give up every single thing I have learned from the moment I was born to this moment to know You.” Find your soul and lose the whole world… And then I said, “I would give up every day from the day I was born until today for just one day with You.” Everything for a whisper.

I will never give up seeking to be more. But more importantly I will never give up God’s whispers. Listening to them alone makes my life worthwhile. And I know that He loves me. And that He has great plans for me. Those alone, of all the desires of my heart, are my goal.

So long as those are my goal, my life shall never be found lacking and my seeking worthless. Should every person in my life betray me and every person I meet from now until the day I die hate me, I will live knowing that my days were written in the book of God. Each day worthy, holy, ordained.

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